Your great mistake is to act the drama / as if you were alone . . . / Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into / the conversation . . . - DAVID WHYTE, "Everything is Waiting For You"
What People Say About Suicide Grief Support
ACCORDING TO INTERVIEWS, RESEARCH STUDIES, and surveys of men and women bereaved by the suicide of a loved one, the single most valuable resource they discovered was one-to-one interaction with another suicide loss survivor.
In several surveys, more than 90% also reported the need for individual counseling or therapy from a mental health professional. The ideal grief counselor, they noted, would be one with personal experience of suicide loss, who could understand the dimensions of their suffering from the inside out.
Many participants expressed a desire for ongoing professional support from at least 6 months to 2 years after the death of their loved one, while others reported it took from 3 to 5 years before difficulties associated with acute grief began to subside. Over 60% reported significant levels of functional impairment in their daily life or work.
Ironically, although close friends and family were primary sources of profound caring and social support, many of the bereaved also experienced challenges in speaking openly about suicide, handling painful questions, defending themselves from stigma, or sharing the full magnitude of their grief with others. For many, counseling helped bridge the gap between perceived need and support received.
In several surveys, more than 90% also reported the need for individual counseling or therapy from a mental health professional. The ideal grief counselor, they noted, would be one with personal experience of suicide loss, who could understand the dimensions of their suffering from the inside out.
Many participants expressed a desire for ongoing professional support from at least 6 months to 2 years after the death of their loved one, while others reported it took from 3 to 5 years before difficulties associated with acute grief began to subside. Over 60% reported significant levels of functional impairment in their daily life or work.
Ironically, although close friends and family were primary sources of profound caring and social support, many of the bereaved also experienced challenges in speaking openly about suicide, handling painful questions, defending themselves from stigma, or sharing the full magnitude of their grief with others. For many, counseling helped bridge the gap between perceived need and support received.
Your friends and others are helpful, but if they've never experienced anything like this, they just can't do it. - PARTICIPANT, research study
Individual & Couples Counseling
DESPITE GENERALIZATIONS found in traditional grief literature, every person's grief is unique. This is true, no matter how much all humans have in common. Why? Because you are unique, the person you lost was unique, and the relationship between the two of you was (and is) unique. This means, for one thing, there are no universal "stages" or "phases" or even "tasks" that you must complete.
Sadly, it also means the ways in which you explain or contain your grief, the intensity and frequency of your emotions and reactions, and the length of time it takes for you to mourn this catastrophic loss will often conflict with the expectations and timetables of those around you, even your closest friends and family. These inevitable disconnects can unnecessarily magnify your suffering and isolation.
Sadly, it also means the ways in which you explain or contain your grief, the intensity and frequency of your emotions and reactions, and the length of time it takes for you to mourn this catastrophic loss will often conflict with the expectations and timetables of those around you, even your closest friends and family. These inevitable disconnects can unnecessarily magnify your suffering and isolation.
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It is important, therefore, to have at least one safe place where you don't have to pretend or defend yourself; where you can reveal or conceal as much or as little as you want; where you can say anything out loud, without judgment; where you can explore all the hard questions about what happened, and why--no matter how ugly, painful, or socially unacceptable.
I could be that safe place for you. I'm particularly sensitive to the torment of parents who have lost a son or daughter to suicide, as I have, and to the special difficulties faced by fathers who may be uncomfortable opening up or unwilling to express their grief in the same ways, perhaps, as the women in their lives. Please don't suffer through this alone, in silence. |
Jay is a good listener and easy to communicate with. He is generous in voicing his own struggles, which makes it so much easier to confront my own. - E.M., Florida
THE BEST WAY TO GET STARTED is by scheduling a free 15-20 min. phone conversation. If we decide to work together, I offer full 60-minute sessions at $95/hr for individual counseling and support, in person, by phone or Zoom. For an additional $20/hr, I can work with a couple, if you hope to support and companion one another on the journey out of darkness. For lower income clients, please visit the Open Path Psychotherapy Collective, where, if you qualify, we can work together at $60/hr ($80/hr for couples). Finally, I offer asynchronous suicide grief support via email for $49/hr (minutes accrue based on time spent both reading and responding to brief email exchanges).
Whatever your situation, let's talk.
Whatever your situation, let's talk.
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Group Support & Psychoeducation
MANY SUICIDE LOSS SURVIVORS also participate in grief support groups, as I did, with varying results. Studies have found, for example, that "general" bereavement groups, focused primarily on grieving a natural or accidental death, tend to be the least helpful. Suicide grief is different. In addition, while suicide-specific grief support groups can be transformative, some suffer from well-documented shortcomings.
For one thing, many free, "open," ongoing, drop-in meetings offer little structure or direction. Most are run by well-meaning laypeople--"peers" who have suffered a suicide loss themselves--who may have limited knowledge or experience managing groups effectively or handling thorny psychological issues that may arise spontaneously.
Few support groups are monitored for quality, or accountable to any set of standards. Continuity in attendance may be erratic, making it tough to incorporate newcomers or for visitors to connect deeply with one another. Finally, most drop-in groups meet once a month, which, especially for those suffering a recent loss, may prove inadequate. And, of course, advice-giving is common, despite good intentions.
More Effective Support Group Conditions
A recent (2019) review of the most rigorous research in this field indicates that suicide bereavement groups can be more effective and therapeutic, if they meet certain conditions:
For one thing, many free, "open," ongoing, drop-in meetings offer little structure or direction. Most are run by well-meaning laypeople--"peers" who have suffered a suicide loss themselves--who may have limited knowledge or experience managing groups effectively or handling thorny psychological issues that may arise spontaneously.
Few support groups are monitored for quality, or accountable to any set of standards. Continuity in attendance may be erratic, making it tough to incorporate newcomers or for visitors to connect deeply with one another. Finally, most drop-in groups meet once a month, which, especially for those suffering a recent loss, may prove inadequate. And, of course, advice-giving is common, despite good intentions.
More Effective Support Group Conditions
A recent (2019) review of the most rigorous research in this field indicates that suicide bereavement groups can be more effective and therapeutic, if they meet certain conditions:
- First of all, they should always be run by trained facilitators, including at least one clinician with expertise (and, preferably, personal experience) in the unique complexities and challenges of suicide grief recovery.
- Second, ideally, the group should be "closed," that is, all participants join at the same time and move through a structured process together, enabling them to develop deeper and more meaningful social connections.
- Third, in addition to compassionate dialogue, the program should incorporate relevant psychoeducational content, as well as evidence-based therapeutic activities and exercises--not just random conversation or a sole focus on feelings.
- Fourth, it should consist of a sufficient number of sessions (generally, at least 8), in order for participants to develop trust, tell their stories, begin to make sense of what happened, and feel truly known, understood, and grounded.
- Fifth, in order to measure potential outcomes, rather than mere attendance, new suicide grief support group models should always incorporate appropriate psychological assessments.
Alternative Support Models for Suicide Bereavement: Fall 2023
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IN LINE WITH THE BEST STUDIES, I will be introducing two new "closed" 8-week suicide bereavement programs this fall. Each weekly session will be 2 hours in length, and we will meet via Zoom. A group of 5 to 10 participants (max.) will go through all 8 sessions together, creating a small, temporary community of mutual support.
Each program will integrate open, compassionate dialogue with deep listening, moments of silence, relevant information and psychoeducation, readings, guided group discussions, writing or journaling exercises, other therapeutic practices, and a handful of self-report psychological assessments to measure outcomes. To focus on the needs of different loss survivors, each program will be offered twice: one for parents only, one for all others. |
Jay has the ability to make everyone feel completely safe and comfortable. He sets a tone where everyone's opinion is respected. He gives people the freedom, and courage, to speak their minds, ask questions, and share their most intimate thoughts. If you have a chance to join such a group, jump at it. - B.R., Colorado
(1) THE WHY QUESTION & THE HEALING POWER OF NARRATIVE* is a psychoeducational support group grounded in principles and practices of narrative therapy, suicidology, and life story writing. It is intended primarily for those who have suffered a devastating suicide loss within the past three years or so, and find themselves still desperately striving to make sense of what happened, to answer the question: Why did this happen? Participants will be invited to complete (and share) a written narrative by the end of the program.
- (A) Program for Parents Only: Tuesdays, 4-6 p.m. Mountain time, Oct. 17 thru Dec. 12 (skipping Nov. 21 for Thanksgiving)
- (B) Program for Other Survivors: Thursdays, 4-6 p.m. Mountain time, Oct. 19 thru Dec. 14 (skipping Nov. 23 for Thanksgiving)
- Cost: $299/person (which works out to c. $19/hr)
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*For a preview of some of the key concepts and practices we will explore in The Why Question program, download the slides from my presentation at the May 2023 Conference of the Suicide Prevention Coalition of Colorado (SPCC):
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(2) SEASONS OF GRIEF & GRACE: THE HEALING POWER OF POETRY is a more contemplative support group grounded in principles and practices of poetry therapy and mindfulness meditation. It is intended primarily for those who have suffered the loss of a friend, colleague or loved one within the past three years or so, and find themselves still wrestling with a range of painful emotions, thoughts and unresolved issues. Participants will be invited, through selected poems, to listen and respond compassionately to their own deep selves and to others.
- (A) Program for Parents Only: Mondays, 3-5 p.m. Mountain time, Oct. 16 thru Dec. 11 (skipping Nov. 20 for Thanksgiving)
- (B) Program for Other Survivors: Wednesdays, 3-5 p.m. Mountain time, Oct. 18 thru Dec. 13 (skipping Nov. 22 for Thanksgiving)
- Cost: $249/person (which works out to c. $16/hr)
TO REGISTER FOR EITHER PROGRAM: All participants are required to schedule a free 15-20 minute screening interview with me prior to registration. Space is limited (10 max. per group), so please don't wait, if you're interested in signing up. Let's talk.
